Bush to Arm Schoolchildren

(AP)

(The following article is satirical and has no basis in actual events)

President Bush yesterday decreed that effective immediately all elementary schoolchildren be armed in order to strengthen national security and homeland defense. In Bush’s words, “the forces of evil are among us, and as your President I have decreed that all children under the age of 13 carry arms in school in the interest of fostering liberty, democracy, and an effective national defense against potential acts of terrorism.”

Though no sovereign state has threatened the US, and the nation faces only sporadic threats from extremist groups funded by the CIA through its program of keeping an otherwise peaceful world “combat ready”, Bush assured the nation that “we are at war, war is in our national interest, and I want these children prepared for defense of the homeland against those calling for peace and other evil-doers.”

At Lincoln Elementary in Evanston, Illinois, Jamie Sedgwick, 7, struggled to keep a .357 Magnum in his belt during drawing class, the crayons in his small hands creating a colorful vista of blue ocean, green forest, and a grey tank with bloody dead people hanging out of the turret. I asked, “What do you want to do when you grow up, Jamie?” “I want to kill evil people,” he replied in a sweet voice, his small hand moving gently over the shiny handgun as he waited for his next inspirational vision to take hold.

At Washington Elementary in Santa Monica, California, Kimberly Anderson, 9, her blond hair neatly arranged in braids with flowers, arrived in class with an M-16 strapped over her shoulder. As her classmates gathered for the morning lesson on military history, she assumed the post by the record player and trained her rifle on the other children, watching for acts of disobedience or terrorism. Her teacher, Mrs. Hall, commended Kimberly for her marksmanship and bravery. “We used to have thirty three children in class, but three of them showed signs of disobedience or cowardice, and Kimberly bravely defended the homeland by liquidating the three evil-doers.” Kimberly’s gum popped as she trained her sights on a young girl, 8, who had inappropriately laughed when her best friend caught her eye.

Vice-President Cheney has assured the nation that the order to arm schoolchildren is in America’s interest. “We are at war, we will always be at war, and in order to preserve liberty and democracy, liberty and democracy themselves must be sacrificed forever.”

As I left Mrs. Hall’s third grade class and walked down the steps of Washington Elementary, the sharp crack of Kimberly’s M-16 pierced the morning air. In my heart I thanked President Bush for protecting us.
                                                                                                                                                                   February, 2003